Eminem Sucks, Part 1

Yo, yo, yo, yo! What it is, homeys?! Y’all heard of this phenomenal rap star who rhymes all these insanely shocking things nobody else would dare to say and used to be a total killer on the freestyle battle rap scene? Yeah, bruh! The Emliest of Ems, Slim Shady!

Alright, just kidding. It’s us. We’re back. Just in time for Eminem to also be back with a new album, except what he’s gonna do is try to keep pretending all that BS is true about his early career and what we’re here to do is fill you in a whole lot of truth. This dude IS wack, WAS wack and will ALWAYS be wack. Don’t believe it could possibly be true? Tune in here to the first of several episodes on the actual death of Slim Shady. When all is said and done you’ll have no choice but to agree: Eminem sucks!

SOUNDGARDENSUCKS

Soundgarden Sucks

This holiday season we thought it would be nice to bring back a truly deep, old-school Q4 discount by taking 100% off the value of Soundgarden, one of the most overrated bands of all time. If the dude with the microphone is just going to scream all the time then shouldn’t the music be heavier? How can the fans call this good songwriting when all of the lyrics are idiotic nonsense? Why is the most annoying drummer you know going to punch a hole in their bedroom wall when you send them a link to this?

All these questions and more will be answered in today’s episode of the podcast: Soundgarden Sucks!

(BTW we are running an actual sale this weekend, too. Promo code CREED4EVER gets you 30% off podcast merch until Tuesday!)

Cream Sucks

Please consider this episode of the podcast your one-time-only, always-true, get-it-tattooed-somewhere-on-your-body-and-never-worry-about-new-facts-coming-to-light reminder: you do not under any circumstances need to hand it to the band Cream. Forget every stupid Boomer joke you’ve ever heard that implies Eric Clapton was once a good guitarist or was once in a good band. It’s always been a myth. Cream was unquestionably the most over-rated band of the 1960s and anyone who wants to argue about that has no good opinions on music.

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The 1975 Sucks

The 1975 Sucks

If you’ve heard of The 1975 but aren’t really sure where, they’re the British one with the lead singer who’s been giving everyone a different reason to hate him every week or so for the past few years. Meanwhile Mark and Tyler hate the whole band because they’ve never released a good song, which used to be the barrier of entry on anyone caring enough to pay attention to the antics of a band’s lead singer. This ain’t Oasis, people! It’s a pretty simple rule: if you wouldn’t listen to the guy sing, don’t listen to him talk. What you should be listening to instead is this brand new episode of the podcast about how much The 1975 sucks!

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Bob Seger Sucks

Bob Seger Sucks

Please, for the love of all that is decent in the world, leave those old records on the shelf, Bob! Even if the music you grew up on was once half as cool as you seem to think – which it wasn’t – and even if you yourself were once half as cool as you seem to think – which you definitely weren’t – what about any of that would lead you to believe the world needs you to write approximately 80 songs on that topic and only that topic?! Nobody cares that you used to get your dick wet, dude. You’ve got to stop singing about it. It was already weird about 40 years ago and at this point it’s become a fairly serious problem, for you, for us, for everyone still living under the delusion that these songs were ever awesome… Press play on this episode to let Mark and Tyler free you from the spell of Mr. Seger’s past!

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The Weeknd Sucks

the weekend sucks

You know, it really was a great question… What if there was a new R&B singer pop star who represented modern attitudes toward sexual inhibition and general debauchery? Too bad we still don’t have an answer because at this point it’s pretty extremely clear The Weeknd is and has always been a giant dork. Sure, back in the early days, nobody knew much about him and could only imagine how insane the drugs and parties and sex must be if that’s all he ever wanted to sing about. But he just couldn’t keep his true self hidden in the shadows! Ready for Mark and Tyler to take you on a guided tour of how one man defied all the odds to become a global phenomenon, then defied common sense by ruining it all for no good reason?

https://youtu.be/qJt–RXcq_c

Avenged Sevenfold Sucks

Avenged Sevenfold Sucks

Every person who’s gonna get mad about this episode was a member of the final generation to still believe all the time they spent hanging out at the mall as a teenager was awesome and literally any of the things they think they learned about music at that mall were/are valid. So right away everyone else should be able to tell the cognitive dissonance in the replies anywhere this gets shared will be entirely off the charts. Are you ready to learn about some tough guy metalheads who also used to spend more time in the mirror on their hair and makeup than your little sister ever did? Are you ready to learn about how Meathead Eddie Munster over here has had a decades-long career as a singer despite not actually being able to sing? Are you ready to take NFT-investment advice from a band who between all the various members may or may not have ever read one (1) complete book? Are you ready to listen to Mark and Tyler spend an hour dunking on all of these things and more?! Press play, folks!

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Alice in Chains Sucks

Alice in Chains Sucks

Is it possible this is the Actual Most Depressing Grunge Band out of all the depressing grunge bands to ever exist? Turns out some bands never recover from finding out they aren’t good enough to make it in hair metal. But that only explains how a group of guys could wind up making music this miserable and boring. What in the hell compels anyone else to waste time listening to it? Tune in to today’s episode as Mark and Tyler consider these and other great mysteries of “the Seattle sound.” But wait! Make sure to listen all the way to the end for details on how you have a chance to appear as a guest on a future episode of the podcast!

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