Queen Sucks

Queen Sucks

Queen is a fitting name because this band royally sucks. Arena Rock is just another word for pandering on as huge a scale as possible. Write two jock jams and coast on filler. Way to go, guys. Maybe next time you can do one about a cat pissing?

Half this band’s “biggest fans” know ten of their songs and they only even really like five of those, so what gives? Wait… Is Queen actually music? Or is this something else… Huge crowds of people, stomping their feet and chanting… Something about this is familiar…

Also, Brian May is a nerd.

The Misfits Suck

The Misfits Suck

Now that everyone’s decided the entirety of October is Halloween Month, we’re seeing way too many people who find it acceptable to not only walk around wearing Misfits merch but actually listen to their atrocious music. So, surprise, The Misfits suck!

And if you are somehow operating under the delusion that The Misfits do NOT suck, your musical standards are not where they need to be. This fails on every level except “I like it because it’s terrible and I like terrible things because I’m different.” Oh, wait, they called their band Misfits….

Led Zeppelin Sucks

Led Zeppelin Sucks

The band that committed every crime in the Rock & Roll Rule Book…

If there’s been a worse influence on rock vocalists than Robert Plant, please remember that Janis Joplin is too annoying to even think about, let alone bring into this conversation. Someone should really go back and look at how much the transmission rate of STDs in middle schools rose every year that Jimmy Page toured the United States. John Bonham is a legend among people who get excited about things like hitting stuff real hard. And you’ll just have to listen to the episode to hear what we have to say about John Paul Jones a.k.a. The Other Guy in This Band.

Rightly panned by critics at nearly every point of their career, loathed by their peers, perpetrators of the actual worst radio ballad of all time – Led Zeppelin Sucks!

Nine Inch Nails Sucks

Nine Inch Nails Sucks

This is the McDonald’s of goth culture. Goth Daddy Too Buff (a.k.a. Trent Reznor) has been cashing in on teen angst for thirty freakin’ years. Think about that for a second. This is a 50-year-old man who’s monetized temper tantrums. Give us a break.

Mark likes to refer to Nine Inch Nails as “Ministry Jr.” because NIN rips off Ministry so hard that they even went through a phase of being an extremely campy new wave project before getting all dark and dressing like it’s Mad Max out here. Oh, but then there’s Skinny Puppy… And New Order… And, just, come on, Nine Inch Nails sucks.

Smashing Pumpkins Suck

Smashing Pumpkins Suck

First of all, this isn’t a band. It’s Billy Corgan going into a studio and recording 100 guitar tracks per song, then whispering half his vocals before eating a bunch of broken glass and recording the other half. You’re not Kevin Shields, man. Chill.

Next, this episode contains a shocking revelation about the music of Smashing Pumpkins. It’s honestly so important that it could end up in the viral news cycle. But until Buzzfeed rips off our insights, you’ll just have to listen to the episode to hear it.

The Smashing Pumpkins suck.