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Arcade Fire Sucks

Arcade Fire Sucks

Is this a band or a sect of Mormonism that worships The Internet? You do kind of want to admire these kids for trying to wage war against music journalists but they should pick on someone their own size next time if they wanna win. Maybe a class of fifth-graders? Also, how is this band NOT from Portland, Oregon?

The official soundtrack of taking a book with you to the bar so everyone knows you plan on being smart someday: Arcade Fire sucks!

Mastodon Sucks

Mastodon Sucks

Remember when everyone asked the left half of a human evolution chart to create the Biff’s Notes version of a Moby Dick audiobook?

Yeah, neither do we. Mastodon sucks.

Coheed and Cambria Sucks

Coheed and Cambria Sucks

Oh, hey, it’s everyone’s favorite soundtrack to a comic book series! Which, turns out, is nobody’s favorite soundtrack to a comic book series because that isn’t a thing anyone wants and this entire idea is terrible.

Look, we’re all about escapist fiction. Your life is trash. We get it. But when it reaches the point of slaughtering babies in outer space, you’ve maybe escaped a little bit too far. Grab a seat and strap in as Mark and Tyler take you to the moon and back to learn how much Coheed and Cambria sucks.

The Clash Sucks

The Clash Sucks

OK Boomer Punks, make sure your bifocals are clean because today’s episode takes a clear-eyed look at probably the most influential ska band of all time, The Clash.

Songwriting, singing, musicianship, ethics – apparently none of these were requirements for becoming legends back in the ’70s, as long as everyone thought one of your album covers was cool. It’s true, you were lied to and that’s not right or fair but we’re here to fix it.

Please consult a doctor before listening if you take blood pressure meds.

Christmas Music Sucks: Part 3

Christmas Music Sucks Part 3

It’s the least wonderful time of the year!

Those of you who’ve been with us from the beginning know we aren’t about to let a holiday season come and go without another attempt to end the single worst genre: Christmas music. It all sucks… It’s all bad… But we have the antidote!

Just to make sure it’s been attacked from every possible angle, Your Favorite Band Sucks comes back once a year for another episode about how much Christmas Music sucks. This year, Mark and Tyler raise their glasses (and middle fingers) to “12 Days of Christmas,” Justin Bieber, Charles DICKens, caroling and more. Horny Christmas songs? You bet. Country Christmas songs? They’re here. Metal Christmas songs? Hell yes.

You must be thinking, “Dang! This sounds like the best thing to ever happen for everyone who hates Christmas music!” You’re right, it is. And anyone who doesn’t like it can get kicked straight in the jingle bells for all we care.

Depeche Mode Sucks

Depeche Mode Sucks

Ever ask yourself why Depeche Mode is always the favorite band of people who’ve ruined your whole life? Wonder no more, friends and neighbors! A day of healing is upon us!

The thing is: there’s a fundamental problem with every Depeche Mode song. Today, Mark & Tyler strap in to gently explain what’s going on here. A lot of people are gonna learn a lot about themselves in this episode but, don’t worry, you won’t need a safe word.

Repeat after us: Depeche Mode sucks… Depeche Mode sucks… Depeche Mode sucks…

Journey Sucks

Journey Sucks

Long before the San Francisco Bay Area decided to destroy Western civilization using Silicon Valley’s latest social media apps, they tried destroying us with insipid arena rock.

Fair’s fair, the band Journey has the best singer of probably anyone that’s been featured on our show so far (and a lot of their album covers were pretty sick) but not even the golden throat of Steve Perry can keep this chrome-plated spaceship on course. From “Wheel in the Sky” to “Faithfully,” “Don’t Stop Believin'” that Mark and Tyler are prepared to do whatever it takes to keep you from choosing any of Journey’s Greatest Hits on your next visit to the karaoke bar – even if that means singing every last Journey hit themselves…

Journey sucks!

Slipknot Sucks

Slipknot Sucks

The only reason they named this band Slipknot is because “Hot Topic” was already trademarked.

Look, all we’re saying is if you made music and it was this bad then you’d probably want to hide behind a mask, too. Does it seriously take nine people to suck this hard? How many shows did they do with eight members before deciding it just didn’t suck enough and they had to throw in one more? They could have gone all the way to ten, except this is mall metal for people who lose fingers in firework accidents and can’t count that high.

The Shins Suck

The Shins Suck

Ah, yes, the band that changed the lives of everyone who saw the worst movie of The 2000’s, which also happened to be one of the most widely viewed movies of the decade due to the fact that everyone between the ages of 18 and 45 was evidently a total moron in The 2000s. Why should anyone care now? Well, how exactly do you think we got in this mess? This is how.

The Shins don’t just suck. They sucked so hard and made so much money doing it that every indie band fell all over themselves to follow in their footsteps, buy glockenspiels and get every TV/movie/commercial sync deal they could. This is the way a genre ends. Not with a bang but with a whimper.