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YOUR FAVORITE BAND SUCKS

One Simple Step to Being Cooler

Look, we already know most everyone you’re going to meet has terrible taste in music. With our scientifically designed merchandise not only will you be the coolest cat in the room, you will almost certainly have at least 1 more friend (especially if they love The Rollings Stones). That is just ONE piece of all that you gain by buying our sweet merchandise. Doubt what we are saying? Buy a shirt and send us a picture of you and your new friends partying in Vegas. You’re a winner and now everyone will know it.

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Dream Theater Sucks

Dream Theater Sucks

 

We disperse this episode unto the wilderness not so that we may receive countless responses from peasants who “never even heard of these guys lol” and somehow believe that means they should be doing anything other than shutting the hell up when kings do talk of music. Nay! This broadcast shall transmit throughout the land for all who have likewise suffered the presence of yon unwashed hessians so bold as to claim this alleged Dream Theater be of utmost musical quality. And hasten ye not for to smirk, as these common folk surely do say so but never in jest.

By the way, who told the singer of this band that being in Steroid Rush means he’s allowed to wear leather pants? Because as uncool as it is for anyone not named Axl Rose to wear leather pants, “singer of Dream Theater in leather pants” makes literally every other person on the planet seem as cool as Bruce Lee in the year 1972.

 

Bon Iver Sucks

Bon Iver Sucks

 

According to certain ancient pagan religions, bon iver translates to “world ender,” which is fitting because this dude has single-handedly destroyed like three different genres of music – and he only had to sacrifice five or six elk in the middle of a frozen forest to do it! Have you ever wondered what would happen if you stared at laptop while mouth-breathing into a microphone for months on end waiting for an album to show up out of nowhere? Well, this guy did and apparently people love that shit because now everything with an acoustic guitar in it sounds approximately this bad or worse.

The Jimi Hendrix Experience Sucks

The Jimi Hendrix Experience Sucks

Don’t even act like this episode coming out is the end of the world or something. Jimi Hendrix Experience is one of the most overrated boomer nostalgia acts in history and the only reason you think acknowledging that is blasphemy is because you’ve sacrificed the ability to judge for yourself in favor of assuming the last 50 years of rock music magazines as your own opinions. The first way to tell none of those people ever had a clue what they were talking about? Before they went nuts for Jimi Hendrix Experience, they thought the band Cream was for sure about to be the most important band of all time. Want to know what else they got wrong? Listen to the episode.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBAeslbpxiw

Sunny Day Real Estate Sucks

Sunny Day Real Estate Sucks

Sure, if crying was an Olympic team sport then maybe it would have been theoretically possible for Sunny Day Real Estate to do something that mattered. But even if crying was an Olympic team sport then Sunny Day Real Estate would still need to have been able to remain a team long enough to get to the competition and there is just no way that would ever have happened. Now, is it this band’s fault so many clueless tryhards have thought and said so many idiotic things about their work and legacy? Of course not. Does that mean we’re going to be nice about it? Of course not. Sunny Day Real Estate sucks and it’s time to talk about all of the reasons why.
 

Maroon 5 Sucks

Maroon 5 Sucks

BREAKING NEWS: Today we interrupt our regular schedule to release an emergency update on the currently developing Maroon 5 situation. As fans of the podcast have come to expect, your trusted correspondents delve into the story and report nothing but the truth. These are the facts you won’t receive from mainstream media outlets.

21 Pilots Suck

21 Pilots Suck

How did this even work? Oh, the plan is obvious – recycle all the late ’90s/early ’00s angst of grunge and nu-metal with a twist of 311 and pretend you have no idea any of that stuff ever existed so people think you’ve come original – but, like, how did that work? Today we’ll get into these and other questions, just in case this band is ever able to recover from their most recent grease fire of an album and somehow remain relevant.

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