Your Favorite Band Sucks

Honestly, we don’t even have to pitch this one. Metallica sucks. There’s no such thing as a Metallica fan who hasn’t felt screwed over and/or disappointed in this band.

Hey, remember when Metallica made the Worst Album Ever?

Here’s the problem: there are at least 3 separate Metallica albums you could assume that last sentence was about. This band is way past its expiration date and never should’ve been allowed to exist in the first place. Ripping off less successful bands, treating each other like human excrement, suing their fans… these guys have done it all!

Press play on the episode and bask in sweet, sweet truth… before Lars sues us.

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Modest Mouse is the audio equivalent of not having enough blankets in the desert at night while high on ketamine: uncomfortable, unpleasant and very confusing. Good news for people who love bad lyrics and guitars that sound like pinwheels.

You just know this dude would start a cult if he ever accidentally figured out how to say something interesting. Modest Mouse is actually a pretty fitting band name. This is about as timid as neurotic gets, right? Or is it as neurotic as timid gets? Holy crap, are we accidentally writing Modest Mouse lyrics right now?!

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Practically no one would attempt to defend Stone Temple Pilots at their worst (“Sour Girl”). But if you’re warming up an argument for Core being a total classic, then you’re going to want to pump the brakes and hit play on this episode, immediately.

These guitar riffs are your favorite guitar riffs if the only guitar you’ve ever owned is a Guitar Hero controller. All the lipstick and thrift store cashmere in the world couldn’t replace Scott Weiland’s lack of anything interesting (or even coherent) to say. Much like the ’90s, this band was always so much worse than you’re remembering.

If Stone Temple Pilots are any indication, the surest route to financial success and career longevity is to never, not even for a second, display any degree of originality in your music.

Is this the best band of rock’s worst hour? You be the judge…

Trigger Warning: there is a lot of extremely accurate and, therefore, terrible singing in this episode. Also, the guys talk about Christmas music.

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You ever wonder how bad of an idea it would be to start a band after reading exactly one pop psychology book and buying into some new crackpot therapy method? Look no further…

Tears for Fears (a.k.a. literal crybabies, Curt Smith and Roland Orzabal) just want to make you shout. No, not like The Isley Brothers. Not like that at all. Basically, these dickweeds were barely in their 20s when they decided they knew how to fix the world (which is, like, we all should cry and scream more?) and that’s what their songs are about. Cool, huh? (Yes, this really happened. We’re not making it up.)

Call your shrink and tell them sessions are canceled because it turns out Tears for Fears has you covered.

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Rage Against the Machine is an example of why A.I. is going to eliminate the human species as soon as we turn it on because we are clearly too stupid and illogical to be making decisions that impact the universe.

Rage Against the Machine can’t be real, right? This is like that “Berenstein” Bears thing. A shared cultural hallucination, in which, some-crazy-how, a band who chose this name was able to get away with ANY OF THIS?!?! RIGHT?!??! PLEASE?!??!

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