Your Favorite Band Sucks

Christmas music is literally the worst. If you hate it, you’re probably having an awful day right now. Here’s a surprise, unannounced episode about how much Christmas music sucks. It’s also the longest episode we’ve ever made. Laugh it off.

Yeah, we already made an episode about Christmas music. It was the third one. We remember. But that’s how much Christmas music sucks! We can and will go back, time and again, to this endless wellspring of evil! This year, every band covered on the show so far has to answer for their crimes in the genre and we take a deeper look at the history of this most awful of holidays!

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Surprising nobody, Metallica is a band that has done entirely too many bad and stupid things to fit them all in one episode.

Need more reasons why Metallica sucks?

Here’s our Part Two!

Last week, Mark and Tyler got into how this Metallica mess was made – not a safe space for Megadeth fans – as well as Lars’ war on Napster. This week, it’s a deep dive into Post-Haircut Metallica. Or as deep as you can go with these mental giants…

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Honestly, we don’t even have to pitch this one. Metallica sucks. There’s no such thing as a Metallica fan who hasn’t felt screwed over and/or disappointed in this band.

Hey, remember when Metallica made the Worst Album Ever?

Here’s the problem: there are at least 3 separate Metallica albums you could assume that last sentence was about. This band is way past its expiration date and never should’ve been allowed to exist in the first place. Ripping off less successful bands, treating each other like human excrement, suing their fans… these guys have done it all!

Press play on the episode and bask in sweet, sweet truth… before Lars sues us.

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Modest Mouse is the audio equivalent of not having enough blankets in the desert at night while high on ketamine: uncomfortable, unpleasant and very confusing. Good news for people who love bad lyrics and guitars that sound like pinwheels.

You just know this dude would start a cult if he ever accidentally figured out how to say something interesting. Modest Mouse is actually a pretty fitting band name. This is about as timid as neurotic gets, right? Or is it as neurotic as timid gets? Holy crap, are we accidentally writing Modest Mouse lyrics right now?!

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Practically no one would attempt to defend Stone Temple Pilots at their worst (“Sour Girl”). But if you’re warming up an argument for Core being a total classic, then you’re going to want to pump the brakes and hit play on this episode, immediately.

These guitar riffs are your favorite guitar riffs if the only guitar you’ve ever owned is a Guitar Hero controller. All the lipstick and thrift store cashmere in the world couldn’t replace Scott Weiland’s lack of anything interesting (or even coherent) to say. Much like the ’90s, this band was always so much worse than you’re remembering.

If Stone Temple Pilots are any indication, the surest route to financial success and career longevity is to never, not even for a second, display any degree of originality in your music.

Is this the best band of rock’s worst hour? You be the judge…

Trigger Warning: there is a lot of extremely accurate and, therefore, terrible singing in this episode. Also, the guys talk about Christmas music.

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