Your Favorite Band Sucks

Well, it turns out we weren’t ready for the jelly. Talking about this soap opera of a “group” took longer than we thought it would, so here’s Part 2: The Bootylicious-ing! Can Mark & Tyler prove themselves survivors? Listen and see.

Let’s just say there’s such a thing as your dad being too big of a Jackson 5 fan. There’s also a reason your worst high school girlfriend listened to Destiny’s Child.

Ready for this history lesson on 90s pop? No, you’re not. You could never be ready for us to tell you EVERYTHING THE ILLUMINATI DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW about Destiny’s Child…

You could never be ready for this jelly.

This guy should have been a one-hit wonder and we never should have had to do a single episode about him.

But no…

You people had to start taking him seriously after Odelay and now this is happening: Beck Sucks, Pt. 2: Beck to the Future! Mark & Tyler get into the ridiculous critical acceptance of “Sad Beck,” the Grammy Awards and, inevitably, more Scientology…

Beck is the only argument needed against having respect for 90s pop culture.

This is what every 8th grade boy in America was like before ADHD meds were invented. Beck’s music is what it would sound like if chugging a 3-liter of Surge cola and shooting yourself in the b-hole with a paintball gun was a band. Now add Scientology.

See?

It’s no exaggeration to say this podcast probably wouldn’t exist without the everlasting influence of Ludwig van Beethoven on music…

This guy sucks so much he basically invented it. He sucks so bad it killed classical music entirely – which is actually pretty awesome, not gonna lie. Beethoven sucks so hard we had to make this long episode AND A NEW T-SHIRT about it…

Click on Tyler’s original artwork below to pre-order the new shirt while you listen:

This is what happens when you’re too ugly for hair metal. Honestly, the guys in Pantera should have worn more makeup if they wanted to record a soundtrack to the evil western KISS would have made if they were actually badass. Then they had to go and single-handedly destroy the genre of metal. Thanks, guys.

Pantera sucks.

The suck level in Billy Joel’s career was simply too much to cram everything in one episode, so Mark and Tyler came back for seconds. Since you people let this guy have somewhere close to a dozen Top 10 pop songs, quite a few of those need to be discussed at length.*

Just like every great sequel, it’s everything you loved about the first one… but more! The generation gap gets wider! Billy Joel gets richer and further out of touch! The ripoffs get ripped offer! We finally start the fire!

*The album version of “Piano Man” is nearly six minutes long.

When you look up the word “hack” in the dictionary, it would be really helpful if they included a picture of Billy Joel, since he is perhaps the most successful hack in the history of recorded music.

Afraid listening to Elton John will turn you gay? Don’t worry, Billy’s tough! Wish you had the pipes to sing along with Nilsson? Simply lower your standards! Speaking of low standards for entertainment, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much fun does a night at a piano bar sound to you? If you said anything higher than 1, there’s a solid chance that Billy Joel is your favorite entertainer! That sucks!

In these trying times, it’s important to focus on things that bring us together rather than tear us apart. We need to unite against a common enemy and that enemy is… Nickelback.

At what point do we stop giving our neighbors in The Great White North benefit of the doubt? It can’t be a coincidence that all of the worst music comes from Canada, can it? Rush, Celine Dion, Leonard Cohen. It’s like, what are you people doing up there? You know you’re not supposed to eat the yellow snow, right?

Anyway, once we opened up our Apple Podcast reviews to requests, one band kept popping up again and again. We figured everyone could use a win right now, so… You wanted it, you got: Nickelback Sucks!

P.S. Since we love you so much, we went ahead and filmed the recording session for this one. Watch us on YouTube below!

Is this a band or a sect of Mormonism that worships The Internet? You do kind of want to admire these kids for trying to wage war against music journalists but they should pick on someone their own size next time if they wanna win. Maybe a class of fifth-graders? Also, how is this band NOT from Portland, Oregon?

The official soundtrack of taking a book with you to the bar so everyone knows you plan on being smart someday: Arcade Fire sucks!