Your Favorite Band Sucks

Is this a band or a sect of Mormonism that worships The Internet? You do kind of want to admire these kids for trying to wage war against music journalists but they should pick on someone their own size next time if they wanna win. Maybe a class of fifth-graders? Also, how is this band NOT from Portland, Oregon?

The official soundtrack of taking a book with you to the bar so everyone knows you plan on being smart someday: Arcade Fire sucks!

Remember when everyone asked the left half of a human evolution chart to create the Biff’s Notes version of a Moby Dick audiobook?

Yeah, neither do we. Mastodon sucks.

Oh, hey, it’s everyone’s favorite soundtrack to a comic book series! Which, turns out, is nobody’s favorite soundtrack to a comic book series because that isn’t a thing anyone wants and this entire idea is terrible.

Look, we’re all about escapist fiction. Your life is trash. We get it. But when it reaches the point of slaughtering babies in outer space, you’ve maybe escaped a little bit too far. Grab a seat and strap in as Mark and Tyler take you to the moon and back to learn how much Coheed and Cambria sucks.

You wanted it, you got it! Well, okay, maybe you didn’t want it but there have certainly been enough idiots who said “Oh YeaH? WHat aRE SoMe oF UR guYs FaVRitE BaNDz?” to justify a Top 10 Albums of the Decade Mini-Episode. Here that is.

OK Boomer Punks, make sure your bifocals are clean because today’s episode takes a clear-eyed look at probably the most influential ska band of all time, The Clash.

Songwriting, singing, musicianship, ethics – apparently none of these were requirements for becoming legends back in the ’70s, as long as everyone thought one of your album covers was cool. It’s true, you were lied to and that’s not right or fair but we’re here to fix it.

Please consult a doctor before listening if you take blood pressure meds.

It’s the least wonderful time of the year!

Those of you who’ve been with us from the beginning know we aren’t about to let a holiday season come and go without another attempt to end the single worst genre: Christmas music. It all sucks… It’s all bad… But we have the antidote!

Just to make sure it’s been attacked from every possible angle, Your Favorite Band Sucks comes back once a year for another episode about how much Christmas Music sucks. This year, Mark and Tyler raise their glasses (and middle fingers) to “12 Days of Christmas,” Justin Bieber, Charles DICKens, caroling and more. Horny Christmas songs? You bet. Country Christmas songs? They’re here. Metal Christmas songs? Hell yes.

You must be thinking, “Dang! This sounds like the best thing to ever happen for everyone who hates Christmas music!” You’re right, it is. And anyone who doesn’t like it can get kicked straight in the jingle bells for all we care.

Ever ask yourself why Depeche Mode is always the favorite band of people who’ve ruined your whole life? Wonder no more, friends and neighbors! A day of healing is upon us!

The thing is: there’s a fundamental problem with every Depeche Mode song. Today, Mark & Tyler strap in to gently explain what’s going on here. A lot of people are gonna learn a lot about themselves in this episode but, don’t worry, you won’t need a safe word.

Repeat after us: Depeche Mode sucks… Depeche Mode sucks… Depeche Mode sucks…

Long before the San Francisco Bay Area decided to destroy Western civilization using Silicon Valley’s latest social media apps, they tried destroying us with insipid arena rock.

Fair’s fair, the band Journey has the best singer of probably anyone that’s been featured on our show so far (and a lot of their album covers were pretty sick) but not even the golden throat of Steve Perry can keep this chrome-plated spaceship on course. From “Wheel in the Sky” to “Faithfully,” “Don’t Stop Believin'” that Mark and Tyler are prepared to do whatever it takes to keep you from choosing any of Journey’s Greatest Hits on your next visit to the karaoke bar – even if that means singing every last Journey hit themselves…

Journey sucks!

The only reason they named this band Slipknot is because “Hot Topic” was already trademarked.

Look, all we’re saying is if you made music and it was this bad then you’d probably want to hide behind a mask, too. Does it seriously take nine people to suck this hard? How many shows did they do with eight members before deciding it just didn’t suck enough and they had to throw in one more? They could have gone all the way to ten, except this is mall metal for people who lose fingers in firework accidents and can’t count that high.