Your Favorite Band Sucks

It’s no exaggeration to say this podcast probably wouldn’t exist without the everlasting influence of Ludwig van Beethoven on music…

This guy sucks so much he basically invented it. He sucks so bad it killed classical music entirely – which is actually pretty awesome, not gonna lie. Beethoven sucks so hard we had to make this long episode AND A NEW T-SHIRT about it…

Click on Tyler’s original artwork below to pre-order the new shirt while you listen:

This is what happens when you’re too ugly for hair metal. Honestly, the guys in Pantera should have worn more makeup if they wanted to record a soundtrack to the evil western KISS would have made if they were actually badass. Then they had to go and single-handedly destroy the genre of metal. Thanks, guys.

Pantera sucks.

The suck level in Billy Joel’s career was simply too much to cram everything in one episode, so Mark and Tyler came back for seconds. Since you people let this guy have somewhere close to a dozen Top 10 pop songs, quite a few of those need to be discussed at length.*

Just like every great sequel, it’s everything you loved about the first one… but more! The generation gap gets wider! Billy Joel gets richer and further out of touch! The ripoffs get ripped offer! We finally start the fire!

*The album version of “Piano Man” is nearly six minutes long.

When you look up the word “hack” in the dictionary, it would be really helpful if they included a picture of Billy Joel, since he is perhaps the most successful hack in the history of recorded music.

Afraid listening to Elton John will turn you gay? Don’t worry, Billy’s tough! Wish you had the pipes to sing along with Nilsson? Simply lower your standards! Speaking of low standards for entertainment, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much fun does a night at a piano bar sound to you? If you said anything higher than 1, there’s a solid chance that Billy Joel is your favorite entertainer! That sucks!

In these trying times, it’s important to focus on things that bring us together rather than tear us apart. We need to unite against a common enemy and that enemy is… Nickelback.

At what point do we stop giving our neighbors in The Great White North benefit of the doubt? It can’t be a coincidence that all of the worst music comes from Canada, can it? Rush, Celine Dion, Leonard Cohen. It’s like, what are you people doing up there? You know you’re not supposed to eat the yellow snow, right?

Anyway, once we opened up our Apple Podcast reviews to requests, one band kept popping up again and again. We figured everyone could use a win right now, so… You wanted it, you got: Nickelback Sucks!

P.S. Since we love you so much, we went ahead and filmed the recording session for this one. Watch us on YouTube below!

Is this a band or a sect of Mormonism that worships The Internet? You do kind of want to admire these kids for trying to wage war against music journalists but they should pick on someone their own size next time if they wanna win. Maybe a class of fifth-graders? Also, how is this band NOT from Portland, Oregon?

The official soundtrack of taking a book with you to the bar so everyone knows you plan on being smart someday: Arcade Fire sucks!

Remember when everyone asked the left half of a human evolution chart to create the Biff’s Notes version of a Moby Dick audiobook?

Yeah, neither do we. Mastodon sucks.

Oh, hey, it’s everyone’s favorite soundtrack to a comic book series! Which, turns out, is nobody’s favorite soundtrack to a comic book series because that isn’t a thing anyone wants and this entire idea is terrible.

Look, we’re all about escapist fiction. Your life is trash. We get it. But when it reaches the point of slaughtering babies in outer space, you’ve maybe escaped a little bit too far. Grab a seat and strap in as Mark and Tyler take you to the moon and back to learn how much Coheed and Cambria sucks.

You wanted it, you got it! Well, okay, maybe you didn’t want it but there have certainly been enough idiots who said “Oh YeaH? WHat aRE SoMe oF UR guYs FaVRitE BaNDz?” to justify a Top 10 Albums of the Decade Mini-Episode. Here that is.

OK Boomer Punks, make sure your bifocals are clean because today’s episode takes a clear-eyed look at probably the most influential ska band of all time, The Clash.

Songwriting, singing, musicianship, ethics – apparently none of these were requirements for becoming legends back in the ’70s, as long as everyone thought one of your album covers was cool. It’s true, you were lied to and that’s not right or fair but we’re here to fix it.

Please consult a doctor before listening if you take blood pressure meds.