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YOUR FAVORITE BAND SUCKS

One Simple Step to Being Cooler

April 4, 2019

Look, we already know most everyone you’re going to meet has terrible taste in music. With our scientifically designed merchandise not only will you be the coolest cat in the room, you will almost certainly have at least 1 more friend (especially if they love The Rollings Stones). That is just ONE piece of all that you gain by buying our sweet merchandise. Doubt what we are saying? Buy a shirt and send us a picture of you and your new friends partying in Vegas. You’re a winner and now everyone will know it.

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Bob Seger Sucks

September 14, 2023

Bob Seger Sucks

Please, for the love of all that is decent in the world, leave those old records on the shelf, Bob! Even if the music you grew up on was once half as cool as you seem to think – which it wasn’t – and even if you yourself were once half as cool as you seem to think – which you definitely weren’t – what about any of that would lead you to believe the world needs you to write approximately 80 songs on that topic and only that topic?! Nobody cares that you used to get your dick wet, dude. You’ve got to stop singing about it. It was already weird about 40 years ago and at this point it’s become a fairly serious problem, for you, for us, for everyone still living under the delusion that these songs were ever awesome… Press play on this episode to let Mark and Tyler free you from the spell of Mr. Seger’s past!

The Weeknd Sucks

August 24, 2023

You know, it really was a great question… What if there was a new R&B singer pop star who represented modern attitudes toward sexual inhibition and general debauchery? Too bad we still don’t have an answer because at this point it’s pretty extremely clear The Weeknd is and has always been a giant dork. Sure, back in the early days, nobody knew much about him and could only imagine how insane the drugs and parties and sex must be if that’s all he ever wanted to sing about. But he just couldn’t keep his true self hidden in the shadows! Ready for Mark and Tyler to take you on a guided tour of how one man defied all the odds to become a global phenomenon, then defied common sense by ruining it all for no good reason?

Avenged Sevenfold Sucks

August 3, 2023

Avenged Sevenfold Sucks

Every person who’s gonna get mad about this episode was a member of the final generation to still believe all the time they spent hanging out at the mall as a teenager was awesome and literally any of the things they think they learned about music at that mall were/are valid. So right away everyone else should be able to tell the cognitive dissonance in the replies anywhere this gets shared will be entirely off the charts. Are you ready to learn about some tough guy metalheads who also used to spend more time in the mirror on their hair and makeup than your little sister ever did? Are you ready to learn about how Meathead Eddie Munster over here has had a decades-long career as a singer despite not actually being able to sing? Are you ready to take NFT-investment advice from a band who between all the various members may or may not have ever read one (1) complete book? Are you ready to listen to Mark and Tyler spend an hour dunking on all of these things and more?! Press play, folks!

Alice in Chains Sucks

July 13, 2023

Alice in Chains Sucks

Is it possible this is the Actual Most Depressing Grunge Band out of all the depressing grunge bands to ever exist? Turns out some bands never recover from finding out they aren’t good enough to make it in hair metal. But that only explains how a group of guys could wind up making music this miserable and boring. What in the hell compels anyone else to waste time listening to it? Tune in to today’s episode as Mark and Tyler consider these and other great mysteries of “the Seattle sound.” But wait! Make sure to listen all the way to the end for details on how you have a chance to appear as a guest on a future episode of the podcast!

Simon & Garfunkel Sucks

June 22, 2023

Was this musical partnership a timeless classic or a barely functional soap opera nearly running off the rails at every turn? Simon & Garfunkel were a great example of why it should be illegal for pop culture media to refer to musical artists as “geniuses.” It’s only a matter of time before even the most marginally talented hack would start to believe it’s actually true. There are at least three stories in this episode that could only happen due to pure, unbridled narcissism. Is it even possible to cover the entire trainwreck when there’s this much material to work with? The only way to know is to press play and find out why Simon & Garfunkel sucks!

 

Sigur Rós Sucks

June 8, 2023
Sigur Ros Sucks

Ever wonder what it would be like if baby talk could become a whole band? Wonder no longer, friends, because it already happened. Some of you already know who Sigur Rós is. (Or, really, at this point, “was.”) The rest of you are going to think Mark and Tyler are entirely fabricating this band from their imaginations. Defying all logic, this was a real thing. In fact, it was a cult and nearly everyone between the ages of 35 – 45 knows at least one person who was in this cult, whether they’d admit it or not. Some of them still have the tattoos. WARNING: this is the closest Mark’s head has ever come to exploding while recording an episode. Press play at your own risk… of laughing your ass off.

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