Your Favorite Band Sucks

Please, for the love of all that is decent in the world, leave those old records on the shelf, Bob! Even if the music you grew up on was once half as cool as you seem to think – which it wasn’t – and even if you yourself were once half as cool as you seem to think – which you definitely weren’t – what about any of that would lead you to believe the world needs you to write approximately 80 songs on that topic and only that topic?! Nobody cares that you used to get your dick wet, dude. You’ve got to stop singing about it. It was already weird about 40 years ago and at this point it’s become a fairly serious problem, for you, for us, for everyone still living under the delusion that these songs were ever awesome… Press play on this episode to let Mark and Tyler free you from the spell of Mr. Seger’s past!

You know, it really was a great question… What if there was a new R&B singer pop star who represented modern attitudes toward sexual inhibition and general debauchery? Too bad we still don’t have an answer because at this point it’s pretty extremely clear The Weeknd is and has always been a giant dork. Sure, back in the early days, nobody knew much about him and could only imagine how insane the drugs and parties and sex must be if that’s all he ever wanted to sing about. But he just couldn’t keep his true self hidden in the shadows! Ready for Mark and Tyler to take you on a guided tour of how one man defied all the odds to become a global phenomenon, then defied common sense by ruining it all for no good reason?

https://youtu.be/qJt–RXcq_c

Every person who’s gonna get mad about this episode was a member of the final generation to still believe all the time they spent hanging out at the mall as a teenager was awesome and literally any of the things they think they learned about music at that mall were/are valid. So right away everyone else should be able to tell the cognitive dissonance in the replies anywhere this gets shared will be entirely off the charts. Are you ready to learn about some tough guy metalheads who also used to spend more time in the mirror on their hair and makeup than your little sister ever did? Are you ready to learn about how Meathead Eddie Munster over here has had a decades-long career as a singer despite not actually being able to sing? Are you ready to take NFT-investment advice from a band who between all the various members may or may not have ever read one (1) complete book? Are you ready to listen to Mark and Tyler spend an hour dunking on all of these things and more?! Press play, folks!

Is it possible this is the Actual Most Depressing Grunge Band out of all the depressing grunge bands to ever exist? Turns out some bands never recover from finding out they aren’t good enough to make it in hair metal. But that only explains how a group of guys could wind up making music this miserable and boring. What in the hell compels anyone else to waste time listening to it? Tune in to today’s episode as Mark and Tyler consider these and other great mysteries of “the Seattle sound.” But wait! Make sure to listen all the way to the end for details on how you have a chance to appear as a guest on a future episode of the podcast!

Was this musical partnership a timeless classic or a barely functional soap opera nearly running off the rails at every turn? Simon & Garfunkel were a great example of why it should be illegal for pop culture media to refer to musical artists as “geniuses.” It’s only a matter of time before even the most marginally talented hack would start to believe it’s actually true. There are at least three stories in this episode that could only happen due to pure, unbridled narcissism. Is it even possible to cover the entire trainwreck when there’s this much material to work with? The only way to know is to press play and find out why Simon & Garfunkel sucks!

 

Ever wonder what it would be like if baby talk could become a whole band? Wonder no longer, friends, because it already happened. Some of you already know who Sigur Rós is. (Or, really, at this point, “was.”) The rest of you are going to think Mark and Tyler are entirely fabricating this band from their imaginations. Defying all logic, this was a real thing. In fact, it was a cult and nearly everyone between the ages of 35 – 45 knows at least one person who was in this cult, whether they’d admit it or not. Some of them still have the tattoos. WARNING: this is the closest Mark’s head has ever come to exploding while recording an episode. Press play at your own risk… of laughing your ass off.

BREAKING: we interrupt your daily doomscroll with an emergency broadcast addressing the use of A.I. technology in music! It’s impossible to keep up with all the new developments. Every day seems to bring more stories of a new way A.I. is going to change everything we think we know about music by, like, next week. From celebrity impersonations to bringing back the voices of dead legends to ending the careers of pop stars and entirely putting humans out of work – how’s all this stuff actually going to shake out? If only there were two assholes with no reason to avoid saying exactly what needs to be said about the music industry… That’s right, friends! Mark and Tyler are here to answer, well, maybe not all the questions you have but definitely most of the questions smart people should be asking at this moment in history. One thing is for certain, no matter what: A.I. music sucks!

Just when you thought the ’90s Boy Band Fandom Wars were over, the podcast pulls you back in! Take a trip with us to the past. Every college freshman either has frosted tips or a nipple ring – and those are just the guys. The sound blasting out of every dorm room is another slight variation on legitimately the worst-sounding music you’ve ever heard in your life but, for some reason, you’re expected to select and defend one iteration of this evil banality. Who do you choose to stan? Certainly not NSYNC. Even by commercial pop music standards, NSYNC is indefensible. Press play on the episode to hear Mark and Tyler sing parody versions of a bunch of NSYNC songs, stay for the astute breakdown and analysis of some of the most baffling con artistry in the history of the music industry.

 

Look, if you’re not sitting there wondering “who in the hell is Wilco?” then you’re old enough to’ve lived through the press cycle for their Yankee Hotel Foxtrot LP and, for that reason, you always knew to expect this episode. Somehow coasting on twenty-something year old, empty hype, there’s every chance this unbelievably and undeservedly overrated band may still come up in conversation at any moment here in the year 2023. So if music fans everywhere are susceptible to being ambushed into offering an opinion on Wilco, then you’re damn right we’ll dial it all the way back to the beginning and unmake this entire mythology.

“Ooooh, Ticketmaster Sucks… Tell me something I don’t know!” Okay, smart guy. Everyone knows Ticketmaster is everything that’s wrong with the concert industry, right? Well, maybe just go ahead and forget whatever you think you know about how concerts work because the fact is a lot of people have been lying to you for a very long time. Remember how scalpers used bots to get all the good tickets to the concert you wanted to see? Yeah, that’s not what happened. Remember when Ticketmaster forced your favorite band to add outrageously high fees to every ticket you bought? That’s what you’re supposed to believe but it’s not the truth. Or what about the time your favorite band had no choice but to use Ticketmaster if they wanted to tour in decent venues? Oh, honey… Look, it’ll be okay. If you want to know what’s really going down then just press play. Daddy Mark and Daddy Tyler will get you all sorted out.