Your Favorite Band Sucks

Ever ask yourself why Depeche Mode is always the favorite band of people who’ve ruined your whole life? Wonder no more, friends and neighbors! A day of healing is upon us!

The thing is: there’s a fundamental problem with every Depeche Mode song. Today, Mark & Tyler strap in to gently explain what’s going on here. A lot of people are gonna learn a lot about themselves in this episode but, don’t worry, you won’t need a safe word.

Repeat after us: Depeche Mode sucks… Depeche Mode sucks… Depeche Mode sucks…

Long before the San Francisco Bay Area decided to destroy Western civilization using Silicon Valley’s latest social media apps, they tried destroying us with insipid arena rock.

Fair’s fair, the band Journey has the best singer of probably anyone that’s been featured on our show so far (and a lot of their album covers were pretty sick) but not even the golden throat of Steve Perry can keep this chrome-plated spaceship on course. From “Wheel in the Sky” to “Faithfully,” “Don’t Stop Believin'” that Mark and Tyler are prepared to do whatever it takes to keep you from choosing any of Journey’s Greatest Hits on your next visit to the karaoke bar – even if that means singing every last Journey hit themselves…

Journey sucks!

The only reason they named this band Slipknot is because “Hot Topic” was already trademarked.

Look, all we’re saying is if you made music and it was this bad then you’d probably want to hide behind a mask, too. Does it seriously take nine people to suck this hard? How many shows did they do with eight members before deciding it just didn’t suck enough and they had to throw in one more? They could have gone all the way to ten, except this is mall metal for people who lose fingers in firework accidents and can’t count that high.

 

Never have fans. Trust us, you’ll regret it.

For some reason, there are a lot of people who see a podcast about their terrible taste in music as an invitation to contact the hosts and, y’know, say things… Yeah, it’s pretty inexcusable behavior but, since we don’t seem to be able to put a stop to it, we may as well share some of the best/worst specimens.

Here’s the first YFBS mini-episode! Mark and Tyler give their no-holds-barred, completely uncensored responses to fan mail. (And, let’s be clear, every e-mail we get is fan mail, especially the rage-fueled, typo’d-at-3am-half-drunk-in-your-underwear emails. You’re a fan. We don’t like it either but you’re a fan. Deal with it.)

Enjoy!

Clint Eastwood should sue these clowns.

Anyone remember when cartoons were for kids and nobody on the planet would dream of confusing the soundtrack with, you know, music? Gorillaz make albums for adults who still eat bowls of cereal for breakfast. The favorite band of Eloi everywhere.

It’s offensive that anyone thinks we’re supposed to take this seriously. Gorillaz suck.

Alright, here’s your proof.

Oasis is hard evidence that talent and work ethic have nothing to do with “making it” in music. If millions of people bought this, they’d buy anything. Liam Gallagher is maybe the worst singer that’s been discussed on our show so far. Noel Gallagher has probably been sued for plagiarism more times than Madonna. It’s a miracle he’s never tried to pass off “Mary Had a Little Lamb” as an original composition. BONUS: every single jerkoff cover of “Wonderwall” that you’ve ever had to hear is this band’s fault.

But, hey, we’ll admit the Gallaghers seem like very nice guys!

You’d think a band with this many songs about drugs could be more than a one-hit wonder but that’s just how much Queens of the Stone Age sucks. Someone should invent time travel just so we can send these guys back to prehistory for more guitar riffs.

Queens fans think it’s impossible to dislike this band. Press play. We’ll show you how it’s done.

From a music business standpoint, here’s a textbook example of what not to do. Those of you who remember how this all went down (and, boy, did it go down), you know why this hilarious history lesson is necessary, even though The Strokes never actually did a single thing that mattered, one single thing to deliver on the hype fabricated around them. Just like they requested, The Strokes are well on their way to ultimately being forgotten. Dig out your fave vintage t-shirt that you bought on eBay and wear it one more time while we take this little trip down memory lane…

Phil Collins sucks so much that it almost feels mean to make fun of him. But we are mean, so who cares?

We’ll admit that it’s honestly pretty impressive how much of a douchebag this guy is but that’s not enough for us to excuse the sheer amount of terrible music he’s created. If the only song he ever made was “In the Air Tonight,” then he’d probably still deserve an episode because that’s among the actual worst songs that has ever been made by anyone. And that’s only one Phil Collins song.

It’s terrifying to consider how many more episodes of this podcast we could make about him but that’s only to be expected when Ringo Starr is the only drummer in history who is more overrated than Phil.