Stone Temple Pilots Suck

Stone Temple Pilots Suck

Practically no one would attempt to defend Stone Temple Pilots at their worst (“Sour Girl”). But if you’re warming up an argument for Core being a total classic, then you’re going to want to pump the brakes and hit play on this episode, immediately.

These guitar riffs are your favorite guitar riffs if the only guitar you’ve ever owned is a Guitar Hero controller. All the lipstick and thrift store cashmere in the world couldn’t replace Scott Weiland’s lack of anything interesting (or even coherent) to say. Much like the ’90s, this band was always so much worse than you’re remembering.

If Stone Temple Pilots are any indication, the surest route to financial success and career longevity is to never, not even for a second, display any degree of originality in your music.

Is this the best band of rock’s worst hour? You be the judge…

Trigger Warning: there is a lot of extremely accurate and, therefore, terrible singing in this episode. Also, the guys talk about Christmas music.

Tears for Fears Sucks

Tears for Fears Sucks

You ever wonder how bad of an idea it would be to start a band after reading exactly one pop psychology book and buying into some new crackpot therapy method? Look no further…

Tears for Fears (a.k.a. literal crybabies, Curt Smith and Roland Orzabal) just want to make you shout. No, not like The Isley Brothers. Not like that at all. Basically, these dickweeds were barely in their 20s when they decided they knew how to fix the world (which is, like, we all should cry and scream more?) and that’s what their songs are about. Cool, huh? (Yes, this really happened. We’re not making it up.)

Call your shrink and tell them sessions are canceled because it turns out Tears for Fears has you covered.

Rage Against the Machine Sucks

Rage Against the Machine Sucks

Rage Against the Machine is an example of why A.I. is going to eliminate the human species as soon as we turn it on because we are clearly too stupid and illogical to be making decisions that impact the universe.

Rage Against the Machine can’t be real, right? This is like that “Berenstein” Bears thing. A shared cultural hallucination, in which, some-crazy-how, a band who chose this name was able to get away with ANY OF THIS?!?! RIGHT?!??! PLEASE?!??!

Black Sabbath Sucks

Black Sabbath Sucks

Black Sabbath’s entire schtick would be ripe for savage mocking on its own, except it probably isn’t even their schtick? This is easily the weirdest marketing of a Christian Rock band, ever, by the way. What the hell? These guys need a manager…

What if The Flintstones took drugs and started a band? Funny you should ask, there’s this band called Black Sabbath. Yeah, they’re for sure rolling deep in some caveman DNA and that stuff doesn’t mix well with LSD. Just listen to this trash.

Black Sabbath sucks.

Outkast Sucks

Outkast Sucks

If Outkast was just a rap group, we’d probably leave them alone. But, nah. They decided to murder a little piece of everyone by blanketing the inhabited universe with a little ditty called “Hey Ya,” for, what was it? Seven years? So we’re going in…

It’s no secret that Big Boi & Andre 3000 seem to have a difficult time reforming as Outkast these days. You ask us? Looks like things were headed for sour all the way back when everybody thought shit was sweet. In fact, you can pretty much track the direct correlation between how many people were paying attention to this band and how off the rails it got. Who feels like singing about poop? Idlewild, anyone?

Y’all might want to sit down for this one because, well, it turns out that Outkast sucks.

Elvis Costello Sucks

Elvis Costello Sucks

Parents everywhere lose the “you’re not dropping out” argument to their teenagers on a regular basis because Elvis Costello inexplicably had a career in music. How do you talk someone out of chasing their dreams if this guy can make it? It’s madness.

Who put Elvis Costello on the sacred cow shelf? Because this dude doesn’t even belong in the room. Elvis Costello sucks. Mark and Tyler are entirely at a loss for understanding, here. The only way this makes sense is if there’s a conspiracy amongst music critics to break talentless acts just for kicks. Wait…

Queen Sucks

Queen Sucks

Queen is a fitting name because this band royally sucks. Arena Rock is just another word for pandering on as huge a scale as possible. Write two jock jams and coast on filler. Way to go, guys. Maybe next time you can do one about a cat pissing?

Half this band’s “biggest fans” know ten of their songs and they only even really like five of those, so what gives? Wait… Is Queen actually music? Or is this something else… Huge crowds of people, stomping their feet and chanting… Something about this is familiar…

Also, Brian May is a nerd.

The Misfits Suck

The Misfits Suck

Now that everyone’s decided the entirety of October is Halloween Month, we’re seeing way too many people who find it acceptable to not only walk around wearing Misfits merch but actually listen to their atrocious music. So, surprise, The Misfits suck!

And if you are somehow operating under the delusion that The Misfits do NOT suck, your musical standards are not where they need to be. This fails on every level except “I like it because it’s terrible and I like terrible things because I’m different.” Oh, wait, they called their band Misfits….

Led Zeppelin Sucks

Led Zeppelin Sucks

The band that committed every crime in the Rock & Roll Rule Book…

If there’s been a worse influence on rock vocalists than Robert Plant, please remember that Janis Joplin is too annoying to even think about, let alone bring into this conversation. Someone should really go back and look at how much the transmission rate of STDs in middle schools rose every year that Jimmy Page toured the United States. John Bonham is a legend among people who get excited about things like hitting stuff real hard. And you’ll just have to listen to the episode to hear what we have to say about John Paul Jones a.k.a. The Other Guy in This Band.

Rightly panned by critics at nearly every point of their career, loathed by their peers, perpetrators of the actual worst radio ballad of all time – Led Zeppelin Sucks!

Nine Inch Nails Sucks

Nine Inch Nails Sucks

This is the McDonald’s of goth culture. Goth Daddy Too Buff (a.k.a. Trent Reznor) has been cashing in on teen angst for thirty freakin’ years. Think about that for a second. This is a 50-year-old man who’s monetized temper tantrums. Give us a break.

Mark likes to refer to Nine Inch Nails as “Ministry Jr.” because NIN rips off Ministry so hard that they even went through a phase of being an extremely campy new wave project before getting all dark and dressing like it’s Mad Max out here. Oh, but then there’s Skinny Puppy… And New Order… And, just, come on, Nine Inch Nails sucks.