Your Favorite Band Sucks

Life happens so we had to skip the last one but the traditional YFBS anti-Christmas episode is needed this year more than ever. Question: how many of you at this point in 2022 feel like you’ve already had Christmas marketed to you for two entire months and we still have most of December to go before it’s finally over? Well that’s because it’s exactly what happened and your favorite workshop elves are here to dutifully break down the bullshittery of it all in an epic and timely fashion. Enough is enough! Stop the madness! Christmas music sucks!

 

We disperse this episode unto the wilderness not so that we may receive countless responses from peasants who “never even heard of these guys lol” and somehow believe that means they should be doing anything other than shutting the hell up when kings do talk of music. Nay! This broadcast shall transmit throughout the land for all who have likewise suffered the presence of yon unwashed hessians so bold as to claim this alleged Dream Theater be of utmost musical quality. And hasten ye not for to smirk, as these common folk surely do say so but never in jest.

By the way, who told the singer of this band that being in Steroid Rush means he’s allowed to wear leather pants? Because as uncool as it is for anyone not named Axl Rose to wear leather pants, “singer of Dream Theater in leather pants” makes literally every other person on the planet seem as cool as Bruce Lee in the year 1972.

 

According to certain ancient pagan religions, bon iver translates to “world ender,” which is fitting because this dude has single-handedly destroyed like three different genres of music – and he only had to sacrifice five or six elk in the middle of a frozen forest to do it! Have you ever wondered what would happen if you stared at laptop while mouth-breathing into a microphone for months on end waiting for an album to show up out of nowhere? Well, this guy did and apparently people love that shit because now everything with an acoustic guitar in it sounds approximately this bad or worse.

Don’t even act like this episode coming out is the end of the world or something. Jimi Hendrix Experience is one of the most overrated boomer nostalgia acts in history and the only reason you think acknowledging that is blasphemy is because you’ve sacrificed the ability to judge for yourself in favor of assuming the last 50 years of rock music magazines as your own opinions. The first way to tell none of those people ever had a clue what they were talking about? Before they went nuts for Jimi Hendrix Experience, they thought the band Cream was for sure about to be the most important band of all time. Want to know what else they got wrong? Listen to the episode.

 

BREAKING NEWS: Today we interrupt our regular schedule to release an emergency update on the currently developing Maroon 5 situation. As fans of the podcast have come to expect, your trusted correspondents delve into the story and report nothing but the truth. These are the facts you won’t receive from mainstream media outlets.

How did this even work? Oh, the plan is obvious – recycle all the late ’90s/early ’00s angst of grunge and nu-metal with a twist of 311 and pretend you have no idea any of that stuff ever existed so people think you’ve come original – but, like, how did that work? Today we’ll get into these and other questions, just in case this band is ever able to recover from their most recent grease fire of an album and somehow remain relevant.

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There are only two types of music that have this many “fa la la la la”s in the lyrics, T. Rex songs and Christmas songs, and it’s still summertime so you know this ain’t no Christmas episode. Nevertheless, we come bearing a gift: clear-eyed analysis of one of the most infantile, overrated and pretentious musical projects of all time. Hey, Bolan, if your music sounds like the soundtrack to a ten year old kid playing with imaginary friends in an enchanted forest, go ahead and don’t name the band after one of the most fearsome apex predators to ever exist, okay?

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Oh, no! Not an episode on baby’s first “smart” band! Yeah, that’s right, folks. They said it couldn’t be done. They said it wouldn’t be done. Well, we already done damn did it. Go grab your most over-sized suit and bugged out eyes and get ready to jog in place for half an hour because that’s about how long it’s gonna take us to explain why Talking Heads totally suck.

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You do at least have to give The Chainsmokers credit for figuring out how to pander to the absolute lowest common denominator of people who pretend to care about music but, that being said, holy hell are these songs the worst thing you’ve ever heard or what? How is it actually legal to suck this bad at making music?

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