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YOUR FAVORITE BAND SUCKS

The Weeknd Sucks

the weekend sucks

You know, it really was a great question… What if there was a new R&B singer pop star who represented modern attitudes toward sexual inhibition and general debauchery? Too bad we still don’t have an answer because at this point it’s pretty extremely clear The Weeknd is and has always been a giant dork. Sure, back in the early days, nobody knew much about him and could only imagine how insane the drugs and parties and sex must be if that’s all he ever wanted to sing about. But he just couldn’t keep his true self hidden in the shadows! Ready for Mark and Tyler to take you on a guided tour of how one man defied all the odds to become a global phenomenon, then defied common sense by ruining it all for no good reason?

Avenged Sevenfold Sucks

Avenged Sevenfold Sucks

Every person who’s gonna get mad about this episode was a member of the final generation to still believe all the time they spent hanging out at the mall as a teenager was awesome and literally any of the things they think they learned about music at that mall were/are valid. So right away everyone else should be able to tell the cognitive dissonance in the replies anywhere this gets shared will be entirely off the charts. Are you ready to learn about some tough guy metalheads who also used to spend more time in the mirror on their hair and makeup than your little sister ever did? Are you ready to learn about how Meathead Eddie Munster over here has had a decades-long career as a singer despite not actually being able to sing? Are you ready to take NFT-investment advice from a band who between all the various members may or may not have ever read one (1) complete book? Are you ready to listen to Mark and Tyler spend an hour dunking on all of these things and more?! Press play, folks!

Alice in Chains Sucks

Alice in Chains Sucks

Is it possible this is the Actual Most Depressing Grunge Band out of all the depressing grunge bands to ever exist? Turns out some bands never recover from finding out they aren’t good enough to make it in hair metal. But that only explains how a group of guys could wind up making music this miserable and boring. What in the hell compels anyone else to waste time listening to it? Tune in to today’s episode as Mark and Tyler consider these and other great mysteries of “the Seattle sound.” But wait! Make sure to listen all the way to the end for details on how you have a chance to appear as a guest on a future episode of the podcast!

Simon & Garfunkel Sucks

simon and garfunkel suck

Was this musical partnership a timeless classic or a barely functional soap opera nearly running off the rails at every turn? Simon & Garfunkel were a great example of why it should be illegal for pop culture media to refer to musical artists as “geniuses.” It’s only a matter of time before even the most marginally talented hack would start to believe it’s actually true. There are at least three stories in this episode that could only happen due to pure, unbridled narcissism. Is it even possible to cover the entire trainwreck when there’s this much material to work with? The only way to know is to press play and find out why Simon & Garfunkel sucks!

 

Sigur Rós Sucks

Sigur Ros Sucks

Ever wonder what it would be like if baby talk could become a whole band? Wonder no longer, friends, because it already happened. Some of you already know who Sigur Rós is. (Or, really, at this point, “was.”) The rest of you are going to think Mark and Tyler are entirely fabricating this band from their imaginations. Defying all logic, this was a real thing. In fact, it was a cult and nearly everyone between the ages of 35 – 45 knows at least one person who was in this cult, whether they’d admit it or not. Some of them still have the tattoos. WARNING: this is the closest Mark’s head has ever come to exploding while recording an episode. Press play at your own risk… of laughing your ass off.

A.I. Music Sucks

AI music sucks

BREAKING: we interrupt your daily doomscroll with an emergency broadcast addressing the use of A.I. technology in music! It’s impossible to keep up with all the new developments. Every day seems to bring more stories of a new way A.I. is going to change everything we think we know about music by, like, next week. From celebrity impersonations to bringing back the voices of dead legends to ending the careers of pop stars and entirely putting humans out of work – how’s all this stuff actually going to shake out? If only there were two assholes with no reason to avoid saying exactly what needs to be said about the music industry… That’s right, friends! Mark and Tyler are here to answer, well, maybe not all the questions you have but definitely most of the questions smart people should be asking at this moment in history. One thing is for certain, no matter what: A.I. music sucks!