Tears for Fears Sucks

Tears for Fears Sucks

You ever wonder how bad of an idea it would be to start a band after reading exactly one pop psychology book and buying into some new crackpot therapy method? Look no further…

Tears for Fears (a.k.a. literal crybabies, Curt Smith and Roland Orzabal) just want to make you shout. No, not like The Isley Brothers. Not like that at all. Basically, these dickweeds were barely in their 20s when they decided they knew how to fix the world (which is, like, we all should cry and scream more?) and that’s what their songs are about. Cool, huh? (Yes, this really happened. We’re not making it up.)

Call your shrink and tell them sessions are canceled because it turns out Tears for Fears has you covered.

Rage Against the Machine Sucks

Rage Against the Machine Sucks

Rage Against the Machine is an example of why A.I. is going to eliminate the human species as soon as we turn it on because we are clearly too stupid and illogical to be making decisions that impact the universe.

Rage Against the Machine can’t be real, right? This is like that “Berenstein” Bears thing. A shared cultural hallucination, in which, some-crazy-how, a band who chose this name was able to get away with ANY OF THIS?!?! RIGHT?!??! PLEASE?!??!

Black Sabbath Sucks

Black Sabbath Sucks

Black Sabbath’s entire schtick would be ripe for savage mocking on its own, except it probably isn’t even their schtick? This is easily the weirdest marketing of a Christian Rock band, ever, by the way. What the hell? These guys need a manager…

What if The Flintstones took drugs and started a band? Funny you should ask, there’s this band called Black Sabbath. Yeah, they’re for sure rolling deep in some caveman DNA and that stuff doesn’t mix well with LSD. Just listen to this trash.

Black Sabbath sucks.

Outkast Sucks

Outkast Sucks

If Outkast was just a rap group, we’d probably leave them alone. But, nah. They decided to murder a little piece of everyone by blanketing the inhabited universe with a little ditty called “Hey Ya,” for, what was it? Seven years? So we’re going in…

It’s no secret that Big Boi & Andre 3000 seem to have a difficult time reforming as Outkast these days. You ask us? Looks like things were headed for sour all the way back when everybody thought shit was sweet. In fact, you can pretty much track the direct correlation between how many people were paying attention to this band and how off the rails it got. Who feels like singing about poop? Idlewild, anyone?

Y’all might want to sit down for this one because, well, it turns out that Outkast sucks.

Elvis Costello Sucks

Elvis Costello Sucks

Parents everywhere lose the “you’re not dropping out” argument to their teenagers on a regular basis because Elvis Costello inexplicably had a career in music. How do you talk someone out of chasing their dreams if this guy can make it? It’s madness.

Who put Elvis Costello on the sacred cow shelf? Because this dude doesn’t even belong in the room. Elvis Costello sucks. Mark and Tyler are entirely at a loss for understanding, here. The only way this makes sense is if there’s a conspiracy amongst music critics to break talentless acts just for kicks. Wait…